I'm a Touchtunes Legend (In My Own Mind)

If you have a bar or restaurant with a Touchtunes jukebox, I will take it over.

Have you ever walked into a restaurant and felt disappointed by the lackluster background music? Well, my friends, I've cracked the code to taking over the Touchtunes jukebox at every restaurant I visit, and today, I'm here to share my secrets with you. Prepare to become a Touchtunes hero and transform any dining experience into your own personal symphony of epic tunes.

1. The Enigmatic Volume System

Restaurants have a mysterious volume system that comes to life when someone pays to play music through the Touchtunes jukebox. Suddenly, the volume is amplified, filling the bar or restaurant with captivating melodies. But be aware of your song selections! Unless you want "Shiny Happy People" blaring at full blast, opt for tracks that offer a balanced mix of highs and lows. Think about those '90s anthems that play with loud-soft-loud dynamics, hitting you like the chunky riffs that welcome "Creep" into its soaring chorus.

2. Avoiding Touchtunes Terrorism

While it may be tempting to unleash your inner music rebel, it's crucial to exercise responsible DJ skills. Many bars and restaurants have implemented Touchtunes filters to prevent playing death metal while families enjoy their meals. Even if filters are absent, it's essential to gauge the atmosphere and select songs that fit the occasion. As much as I adore Meshuggah's 14-minute epics, Scandinavian math metal might not be the best choice for all scenarios.

3. The Ultimate Touchtunes Playlist

Now, let's dive into my favorites, the songs that never fail to impact the Touchtunes jukebox. These tracks have stood the test of time and possess an undeniable allure that can elevate any dining experience to new heights.

- "Hanginaround" by Counting Crows: A feel-good anthem that brings nostalgic vibes.

- "Grapevine Fires" by Death Cab for Cutie: A melodic masterpiece that captivates with its poetic storytelling. Many people don’t know this one, but it won’t hurt anyone.

- "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John: A timeless classic that sweeps you away with its enchanting piano and heartfelt lyrics. Bring me back to Almost Famous. Please.

- "Summertime" by The Sundays: A dreamy tune that perfectly captures the essence of lazy summer days. It sounds happy, but there’s a little bit of angst in there too.

- "Mary Jane's Last Dance" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: A rock 'n' roll gem that never fails. A totally singable chorus.

- "Into the Mystic" by Van Morrison: A soul-stirring ballad that transports you to another world. You don’t want to be the Brown Eyed Girl person.

- "It Ain't Over Til It's Over" by Lenny Kravitz: A smooth and soulful anthem that exudes irresistible charm. This one just sounds nice in public.

- "Jimi Thing" by Dave Matthews Band: A fusion of captivating instrumentation and Dave Matthews' mesmerizing vocals. Even people who don’t like Dave Matthews will enjoy this one.

- "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers: An infectious indie-rock hit that gets the crowd singing along. It still amazes me how big this song has become in our culture, as much as I love it.

- "Good Things Fall Apart" by Illenium: A powerful electronic track that combines emotion with irresistible beats. I heard this song in a store once and I was hooked. Thanks Shazam. Now I try to get others to love this tune.

- "Daydream Believer" by The Monkees: A joyful and uplifting tune that brings smiles to faces. People forget how much they love The Monkees. I’m here to remind them.

- "Say It Ain't So" by Weezer: A '90s alt-rock anthem that never fails to ignite nostalgia. Weezer is for the people.

- "Hunger Strike" by Temple of the Dog: A grunge classic featuring the powerhouse vocals of Chris Cornell and Eddie Vedder. This isn’t applicable in ever situation, but when it fits, it’s epic.

- "Hook" by Blues Traveler: A harmonica-driven rock song that's impossible to resist. Not even close to my favorite BT song, but it’s the popular choice.

4. Reading the Room: The Touchtunes Grand Finale

To truly cement your status as a Touchtunes hero, you must possess the ability to read the room and choose the perfect moment for certain iconic tracks. One such song that demands careful consideration is "Purple Rain" by Prince. It is a transcendent rock masterpiece, a testament to musical genius. However, before unleashing its enchantment, ensure that the atmosphere and the audience are prepared for this emotional and unforgettable journey. You need a place and a group of patrons who are deserving of Purple Rain. It doesn’t always fit, no matter how perfect a song it might be.

Becoming a Touchtunes hero goes beyond indulging in personal musical preferences; it's about understanding the moment, the audience, and the ambiance. By mastering the art of responsible music selection and comprehending the dynamics of the Touchtunes jukebox, you can turn any ordinary dining experience into a remarkable and harmonious adventure. So, my fellow music enthusiasts, embrace your inner DJ, curate your playlist with finesse, and let the Touchtunes jukebox work its magic to create memorable moments for all to enjoy.